After Honeymoon: The Cause of Marriage Problems
During the “honeymoon period”, spouses often overlook differences between them. Over time however, the differences become perceived as annoying or upsetting and are longer ignored or appreciated.
Most of the problems that show up in marriages are caused by the reactions each spouse has to the differences that show up in day-to-day life. Many times, neither spouse is doing something obviously hurtful or insensitive, but when one spouse “does their thing” (gets quiet when stressed), the other spouse may unintentionally react and “do their thing” (repeatedly ask why the other spouse is in a bad mood), which of course is going to push the quiet spouse, in this example, further away, which upsets the other even more. While neither spouse is doing anything “wrong”, it is their reactions to each other which cause upset in their marriage.
Other differences are related to beliefs, opinions, and perspectives that each spouse has based on their life experiences. When these different perspectives are accepted and appreciated, the marriage matures and flourishes. When both spouses insist their individual perspective is correct and expects the other to agree, they are each attempting the impossible, since none of us has the ability to control someone’s perspective. This knowledge about reality does not deter spouses from demanding agreement, which lock the spouses in a head-to-head battle. The conflict increases as spouses use persuasion tactics to gain compliance such as yelling, crying, name calling, isolating, and giving the “silent treatment”. By reacting to differences this way, the couple will come view differences as threats to the marriage.
There is another, more helpful, way to manage differences in a marriage. Instead of demanding agreement, spouses can be curious and tolerant of the differences between them and collaboratively decide, as a couple, the best way to share their lives with the differences. This approach views differences matter-of-factly and not shocking or outrageous, and gives the couple the opportunity to know each other more deeply. In fact, differences can be appreciated by spouses, balancing out more extreme perspectives.
The path to a mature marriage is acceptance of each other’s differences and a willingness to figure out how to live life with the differences.
REPLACE BUTTON WITH MARRIAGE COUNSELING
Brian Whitley, LMFT
I draw from many different types of therapy to help my clients including Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Harm Reduction, Exposure Therapy, Cognitive Processing Therapy, and Internal Family Systems Therapy. For marriage and couples counseling, I draw from Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy, The Doherty Approach, and the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy.
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