Navigating Mistrust in Marriage
Couples can get into muddy waters when it comes to one person feeling concerned about their spouse’s “friendship” with someone who could become a romantic partner. This can lead to a lot of fights about what defines cheating or infidelity. Does it have to involve physical, sexual contact? These debates only increase the tension in the marriage. The spouse who feels there is an inappropriate relationship stays upset and the other spouse feels judged and defensive.
What to do? Let’s define an emotional affair.
There are a few parts of it here.
The first is obvious. It's a one to one personal relationship with somebody who could become a romantic partner. Even if you would never “do” anything, it is in the realm of possibility for you, or that person, to develop strong feelings.
Secondly, there is, if you're honest with yourself, some sexual charge to the relationship. Even though it's not a primarily sexual relationship, you’re attracted and enjoy that attraction. There's some sort of sexual charge, and if you let yourself dwell on it, that charge could grow.
The third part is the clincher: You don't tell your spouse about what’s going on in the other relationship. You don’t go home and tell your spouse what you and the other person talked about, or you edit what was said very carefully.
If you’re in such a relationship and you’re reading this going “Uh oh,” coming to realize that a friendship is probably going down a bad path, now is the time to cool down the friendship. You don’t have to be dramatic about it. There are plenty of adult friendships where “life” gets in the way and things peter out. This should be such a relationship.
If you are the accuser and your spouse is defensive and continues to argue they are in the right and you are simply being paranoid, it may be worthwhile to seek marriage counseling. There is something bigger going on beyond the possible emotional affair. You and your spouse have trust issues. You are feeling really vulnerable and unsafe, and your spouse is feeling defensive and treated like an untrustworthy teenager.
If you are being suspected of an emotional affair and you are convinced it’s not so (maybe your spouse has been jealous of every person of the opposite sex you’ve worked with), it’s in your best interest to help your spouse feel more confident, and this may require a therapist’s help. It’s not enough to just say “trust me—there’s no issue,” when your spouse is really upset about the other relationship. Your spouse may feel vulnerable for reasons that need to be sorted out, and you may be doing things that contribute to trust issues in your marriage.
If trust issues are affecting your marriage, don’t wait to start marriage counseling. If unaddressed, trust issues can really drive a wedge between spouses, putting the marriage at risk.
About The Author
Brian Whitley
I draw from many different types of therapy to help my clients including Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Harm Reduction, Exposure Therapy, Cognitive Processing Therapy, and Internal Family Systems Therapy. For marriage and couples counseling, I draw from Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy, The Doherty Approach, and the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy.
More Insights
